Vincent
God's work is the actualization of the potential
Rumi
He is best to grant recompense and the best what is to be
Shams of Tabiz
The path of enlightenment is a journey of the spirit . It is one of discovering our true Self, the authentic being which abides at the very center of one's consciousness and attempts to answer the eternal question ", Who am I ", ?
Everyone arrives at that point in life when there seems to be a vast emptyness about us. Life seems to hold little or no meaning. Somehow we feel a sense of aloneness and detachment from all around us, And we wonder "', Who AM I " ?...." What am I doing here "?
This is my story and I refer to it as "The Diary of a Holy Fool ". In the ensuing pages I invite everyone to travel with me to explore what I came to know as the inner landscape. It is a journey of wonderment and surprises. It consists of peaks and valleys...and some plateaus when nothing seems to be happening.
I will begin in the valley . At a time when outward success was a distracting camouflage for the rumbling discontent bubbling beneath the surface of my consciousness. In time I would come to realize that I was having a crises of the spirit. ...and the desert abided within me.
An Opening
It was my custom to go out on Friday nights to enjoy a few drinks with friends.
A distraction I used to escape from the rumbles of discontent and disappointment that cast a shadow over my otherwise pleasant demeanor . But this evening or in the early morning hours, returning to my comfortable apartment on Manhattan's east side, a pall of sadness enveloped me. I had this feeling that everyone was going home to someone except me. That once again I was being left out of the game of life. " Where is my someone "?, I kept repeating to myself. " Is there something wrong with me "? and in the affirmative , There must be something wrong with me ".
Fixing myself a scotch on the rocks and lowering a Barbra Streisand record on the stereo,I hoped to lift myself out of this depression which had overtaken me. But Barbra's haunting voice only spiraled me into an ever deeper morass of gloom. Into a fathomless abyss I sunk deeper and deeper. In a panic I stumbled, with glass in hand, through the apartment looking for something holy something spiritual, perhaps a bible...but there was nothing in my entire book collection that answered my needs. Realizing for the first time that not even a bible had a place amongst my many books. The rooms reflected an emptiness I felt in me. Not able to withstand the cloud of helplessness which had conquered me and not able to suppress the avalanche of tears waiting release, I fell to my knees and pleaded with God not to abandon .
Like a dam that burst ,a torrent of tearstained words gushed forth," God, Dear God, do not throw me out on the slagheap of humanity...make use of me use me...use me", I cried pleadingly.
From the depths of my being the words broke the silence of the morning. I do not know from where they came but I do know they were heard because the crying ceased and a great peace washed over me. Like the calm after a storm I felt myself floating peacefully over a glasslike sea.
In hindsight I can say that I was reborn in the early morning hours of that silent apartment, while Barbra's haunting voice first stunned my failing spirits and then quieted my ailing soul.
I put myself in God's hands and now waited to know in what way God would use me to help and serve. To bring me to an awareness of Who I am and What is my purpose and function.
As this wave of peace swept through me I knew my prayers were answered. A calm, never before experienced, filled me totally, as I surrendered myself to be in service to the Divine.
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